CARTOONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
The nation has recently been rocked by wave after wave of cartoon related violence. Here are only a few of the examples:
A navy destroyer in the Persian Gulf had orders to fire a sidewinder missile at a terrorist training camp, the missile failed to launch as planned. So, the commander of the vessel lost his temper, climbed on top of the stubborn missile and jumped and down on top of it. This dislodged it from the launcher and it launched over the gulf, taking the commander along for the ride. When it reached its intended target, it hit a conveniently placed trampoline and bounced straight into the air and out of the earth’s atmosphere. The commander then grabbed a nearby satellite, which then fell from orbit and landed on top of the destroyer.
A senior government official was walking to work one morning when he was suddenly struck by a falling piano. It bounced several times on the top of his head, driving his body deeper and deeper into the pavement. When emergency personnel removed the piano, he had a one-foot high bump on the top of his skull and several blue birds circled his head.
Another official was walking in a downpour when a lightening bolt struck his umbrella. As the electricity coursed through his body, witnesses reported seeing his skeleton light up like a Christmas tree. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt, but his hair and his clothes were severely burnt and he was covered in a fine layer of soot.
These events have awakened the nation to the danger posed to our security by all forms of humor. The people who use these methods are merciless. They have a massive arsenal of methods that include puns, dramatic irony, satire and metaphor. There is also the threat of enemy nations developing cartoons of mass destruction.
In response to this threat, the military have used all the resources at their disposal to develop various forms of weaponized humor. One such method utilizes a joke that is so funny that it causes uncontrollable laughter. The target will laugh and laugh, not able to draw a breath until they vomit and asphyxiate. By translating the joke into Arabic, they can be sure the joke won’t affect our troops, since none of them bothered to learn the language when they were sent in. They are also developing snappy comebacks to any joke the troops may encounter out in the field.
There is one thing of which we all can be sure; this isn’t a laughing matter.
A navy destroyer in the Persian Gulf had orders to fire a sidewinder missile at a terrorist training camp, the missile failed to launch as planned. So, the commander of the vessel lost his temper, climbed on top of the stubborn missile and jumped and down on top of it. This dislodged it from the launcher and it launched over the gulf, taking the commander along for the ride. When it reached its intended target, it hit a conveniently placed trampoline and bounced straight into the air and out of the earth’s atmosphere. The commander then grabbed a nearby satellite, which then fell from orbit and landed on top of the destroyer.
A senior government official was walking to work one morning when he was suddenly struck by a falling piano. It bounced several times on the top of his head, driving his body deeper and deeper into the pavement. When emergency personnel removed the piano, he had a one-foot high bump on the top of his skull and several blue birds circled his head.
Another official was walking in a downpour when a lightening bolt struck his umbrella. As the electricity coursed through his body, witnesses reported seeing his skeleton light up like a Christmas tree. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt, but his hair and his clothes were severely burnt and he was covered in a fine layer of soot.
These events have awakened the nation to the danger posed to our security by all forms of humor. The people who use these methods are merciless. They have a massive arsenal of methods that include puns, dramatic irony, satire and metaphor. There is also the threat of enemy nations developing cartoons of mass destruction.
In response to this threat, the military have used all the resources at their disposal to develop various forms of weaponized humor. One such method utilizes a joke that is so funny that it causes uncontrollable laughter. The target will laugh and laugh, not able to draw a breath until they vomit and asphyxiate. By translating the joke into Arabic, they can be sure the joke won’t affect our troops, since none of them bothered to learn the language when they were sent in. They are also developing snappy comebacks to any joke the troops may encounter out in the field.
There is one thing of which we all can be sure; this isn’t a laughing matter.
posted by jdwelland at 8:41 AM
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